Rhyme & Reason

So, here's the deal.  I really don't understand.  I want to have faith in God.  I want there to be a fair & just & loving God.  I want the world to work in a way that people get what they deserve , both positively & negatively.  Call it karma, call it the golden rule, see Matthew 7 v12 "Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets." or even see Luke 6 v31 "And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise."  I just don't understand what the rhyme & reason of it all is. 

Rich’s mom (Linda)’s best friend, Lynne passed away this week.  She was 52 years old.  She was in now way a sick woman.  Then look at Linda who passed away in June 2008.  Minus her two year struggle with breast cancer, not a sickly person.  Then we have my parents who both passed away from heart attacks at 66 years old.   I just don’t understand how good people who took care of themselves (didn’t smoke [except Lynne], didn’t do drugs, barely to rarely drank) are taken so early.  I know these are not the first people in the world to pass away at a relatively young age.  I’m not naive.  I even realize that Jesus Christ himself died at only 33 (granted this was during Biblical ages, so its a different scale.)  I just out & out don’t understand.

It really makes me a combination of angry at God & it makes me feel like a bad luck charm. Just doesn't seem normal to have semi-major to major deaths around you so often. 

I used to do the church thing.  I used to pray EVERY morning & night.  I used to go to mass every since Saturday afternoon when I was a kid & Sunday morning when I was older.  Used to go to choir practice every single Friday night.  During Lent & Holy Week used to go to mass on Ash Wednesday, Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Easter Vigil & Easter morning.  I went to Vacation Bible School at various Protestant churches as a kid.  Went to various Protestant youth groups as a teen.  I assistant taught CCD for two years & taught my own class for two years.  I was in the church choir either singing or playing my flute from the age of 5 (adult church choir as there was no children’s choir) to 19.  I just lost the faith when I couldn’t see the reason.  Maybe I’ll be able to find the faith inside of me at some point, but whenever I get close something major like this happens again…