Rhyme & Reason

So, here's the deal.  I really don't understand.  I want to have faith in God.  I want there to be a fair & just & loving God.  I want the world to work in a way that people get what they deserve , both positively & negatively.  Call it karma, call it the golden rule, see Matthew 7 v12 "Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets." or even see Luke 6 v31 "And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise."  I just don't understand what the rhyme & reason of it all is. 

Rich’s mom (Linda)’s best friend, Lynne passed away this week.  She was 52 years old.  She was in now way a sick woman.  Then look at Linda who passed away in June 2008.  Minus her two year struggle with breast cancer, not a sickly person.  Then we have my parents who both passed away from heart attacks at 66 years old.   I just don’t understand how good people who took care of themselves (didn’t smoke [except Lynne], didn’t do drugs, barely to rarely drank) are taken so early.  I know these are not the first people in the world to pass away at a relatively young age.  I’m not naive.  I even realize that Jesus Christ himself died at only 33 (granted this was during Biblical ages, so its a different scale.)  I just out & out don’t understand.

It really makes me a combination of angry at God & it makes me feel like a bad luck charm. Just doesn't seem normal to have semi-major to major deaths around you so often. 

I used to do the church thing.  I used to pray EVERY morning & night.  I used to go to mass every since Saturday afternoon when I was a kid & Sunday morning when I was older.  Used to go to choir practice every single Friday night.  During Lent & Holy Week used to go to mass on Ash Wednesday, Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Easter Vigil & Easter morning.  I went to Vacation Bible School at various Protestant churches as a kid.  Went to various Protestant youth groups as a teen.  I assistant taught CCD for two years & taught my own class for two years.  I was in the church choir either singing or playing my flute from the age of 5 (adult church choir as there was no children’s choir) to 19.  I just lost the faith when I couldn’t see the reason.  Maybe I’ll be able to find the faith inside of me at some point, but whenever I get close something major like this happens again…

My New Creedo

So, I had one crazy weekend.  Between having to walk home 8 miles because I have a suspended license, being with family friends who lost their mom/wife, and losing over $350 dollars I’m more than a little shocked.
I just can’t believe how much time & effort I’ve been wasting as of lately.  I’m not going to get into it in specifics, specifics, but, quick blip in general direction of what I want to do.  I want to basically think of these things below before taking action--

· Will it make me or keep me healthy?
· Does it make my relationships stronger (Rich, family, friends?)
· Will I be proud of this action 5 mins, 5 hrs, 5 days, 5 wks, 5 months, 5 years later? Or will it be wasted time & energy OR embarrassing to look back on?
· Am I truly enjoying what I’m doing or is it just keeping me busy?
· Am I at least treading water if not moving forward financially?

Despondance & overall frustration vent

I know I have perfectionism issues. I want everything to just snap together & have the life I want not now, but yesterday. Its not that I'm afraid to work for it. I just don't know how to work smarter & not harder.
I want it all! I want to travel the world. I want to be financially comfortable (out of debt, able to pay bills & unexpected expenses without worrying, and able to spend money on enjoyable things for myself and whomever else I'd like to.) I want to feel like I'm giving back to society in a positive manner. I want to have our own home that I'm absolutely in love with. I want to have babies. I want to have a beautiful, memorable, unique (but not over the top) wedding & reception. I want to have fun & be there for friends, my family & my in-laws. I just don't feel like these things are too much to ask for, but it all just feels so out of reach. I don't know why life just won't cooperate.
I hope this doesn’t sound whiny or like I want a Stepford Wife type life.  I just want the life I’ve always wanted, and I just feel like it just isn’t happening for me & I’m just getting older & older.
I know this doesn't really fit into a 101 things to do in 1001 days blog, but I'm just irritated that I had such grand plans, but I've barely been able to do anything on the list & feel like I can't do much more w/financial constraints. Blech!