Where I'm at now

So, wow.  Apparently I haven't blogged since Thanksgiving.  Maybe that's what's been wrong w/my life & my mind.  lol

The 101 Things To Do In 1001 Days has been indefinitely suspended.  I probably shouldn't.  I probably should press on & not let life get in the way of my wishes, wants, and dreams.  But, a lot of these have at least a little to do with money, and I have other plans for my money.  The sensible thing would be add the 101 Things... into the Wants List or Needs List, but that's too simple of an answer.  That would be just too easy.

Christmas went well.  I made it through w/my sanity.  I worked mega hours at Bath and Body Works while still working full-time at my regular job at CCS.  I was exhausted, but I managed to have the bills paid for, food on the table, gifts for all of Rich's family & the gifts wrapped by leaving for his sister and brother-in-law's house on Christmas afternoon.  I was kinda bummed that I wasn't able to afford, nor have transportation to see my family. Also, I tried to make plans with friends to go into Boston to see the Christmas decorations and what not, and that didn't work out.  I tried to see A Christmas Carol in 3D on IMAX with Rich's sister & family in Hooksett and that didn't work out.  I tried to see A Christmas Carol in 3D on IMAX with my half-brothers &/or half-sisters and nieces and nephew, and that didn't work out.  It kinda bummed me out.  I'm not gonna lie...  At least we got to spend time with Mike M as he was home from Iraq/Germany.  He bought me a incredible gift that I totally wasn't expecting, too.  A brand new iPod!  I feel bad that Rich and I were having rough times so I probably wasn't the best company on his leave.  Rich bought me a great present too.  A new printer!!!  I'd been needing one of these for a really long time.  I of course got other great presents, but those were the highlights.  And I had a great time hanging out w/Rich's nieces and nephew on Christmas Day.

New Year's Eve was low key, but fun hanging out w/Mike D, Rich and a friend of Mike's.  I had such high expectations & momentum for a good new year (and new decade.)  We will see how that goes.

Rich and I had some extremely difficult times, and actually broke up for about two weeks.  We broke up on our six year anniversary.  It probably sounds immature & petty as seeing as how we only broke up for two weeks.  But, we really enjoyed spending time together after things were sorted through, and had cooled down.  I feel like we kind of rediscovered what we love about each other, and have really been trying to support each other more now.

Speaking of support, Rich had been FABULOUS in his support of my newest venture...  Weight Watchers.  I never thought I'd join Weight Watchers.  Always thought it was for wicked obese middle age women (no offense to those wicked obese middle age women out there, but that's just not me right now.)  But, with the Weight Watchers at Work Program its kinda nice.  I'm getting to know more people at work & really learning a lot.  So, far I've lost 14 lbs in 7 weeks.  I'm starting to notice physically & in my clothes, and am really enjoying what I'm eating.  I've rediscovered foods that are truly delicious & filling, instead of foods that are only good because they're packed w/fat.  I do miss some things (crab rangoon, stuffed cheese crust pizza are really only two I can think of right this second,) but can eat the real thing if I want just in much smaller portions (for such fatty foods) or make a tweaked version of it.  But, I've tried lots of stuff that isn't difficult or expensive to make & is truly healthy and yummy.  Example- pita pizza pockets; shrimp caesar salad; stuffed portabello mushrooms; shark, vegetable, mozzarella paninis; oatmeal w/spices; egg beaters w/spices; Greek yogurt, and...oh wait fruit.  I've always loved fruit, but always made excuses as to why I didn't buy it or eat it. I've been doing extra stair climbing at work & walks on my breaks at work.  I just need to get into doing stuff at home too.  I really like working out, but am kinda using the cruddy weather as an excuse to not.

Last big thing going on is we might be moving back to Florida.  Rich's sister and her family moved back to Florida, again.  He really wants to spend time with her & I don't want to stand in the way of that.  It'll bum me out extremely to say goodbye to my friends & family again, but hopefully it'll be for the best & as part of it being for the best being us having jobs that we can come up to visit fairly often.  We will see I guess...  I just really want to be happy no matter where the geography.  I want to stay connected to Rich, my family, his family, my friends, his friends, our friends.  I want to get into a career where I'm giving back to the community & making a decent salary.  I want to travel the country.  I want to travel the world.  I want to have a house all of our own.  I want to get married & start a family.  I especially want a pug.  lol/jk

I know that it'll all come with time & life doesn't have to be perfect, but I'm just tired of being stagnant.  I want good changes in my life, and I know I'm the only one that can make that happen.

Thankfulness Project

I'm sure we've all had the question asked somewhere around the time of dinner on Thanksgiving Day "What are you thankful for this year?"  Well, I took that idea and ran with it.  The 16 days before Thanksgiving I updated my Twitter/Facebook/MySpace statuses with a new thing I'm thankful for.  I cannot take credit for the idea.  A former co-worker of mine, Judy Bergeron, did it first on her Facebook & I liked the idea so much I ran with it.  I actually had one of my friends from high school do it, too, Jen Tarantola.  And got a couple comments at first from friends of what they're thankful for.  After that it was mostly thumbs up along the way.

Well, to summarize, I haven't had the easiest 2009, and  I've had my struggles the last 6 years as well as the last 10.  Sometimes I've gotten a bit negative about life, and haven't held up being an optimist.  Anyhow, after thinking of a new thing for 16 days, which is actually harder than it sounds, it  made me think of all the things I have going right with my life & how much worse it could be.

Let me summarize where I got my list.  Day 1, 2, 3, 5, 9 & 10 are basically on Maslow's 1st & 2nd levels on the hierarchy of needs.  I think we all need to realize how lucky we are to be who we are.  The fact that I was born to who I was born to in the area I was born with the capabilities means I have access to some things that a lot of others don't.  I am able to get clean water from a faucet.  When I go to the bathroom it leaves the area I put it w/a simple flush.  I can go into my refrigerator or pantry to get food & when its out I have the convenience and means to get more at the grocery store.  If I get sick I can go to my doctor for a small co-pay & be quickly and safely treated for my illness, or if urgently ill go the emergency room.  I live in a country that I am not persecuted for my beliefs, where I can talk badly about officials and not be put in prison, and where both sexes and all races have the same rights.  I live in a home where I am able to go to sleep on a soft surface & stay warm and dry and clean from the elements.  And in life & especially in this economy I know I should be thankful for the job(s) I have.  I go on about how they're not the fields I'd like to be in when in reality I should be grateful for having one at all, nevermind two.  

I'd say that all of 4, 6, 9, 13 firmly fall on the 3rd level.  We all have our quarrels, disagreements & misunderstandings with our significant others, family & friends, but I think most of realize deep down that we still love them and always will.  I will admit to anyone (maybe not at all times)  ;-)  that I am stubborn, that I have a temper, that I can be jealous, that sometimes I don't always think with my left brain & can be irrational, but no matter what I am greatly thankful for Rich, my family (the Barradas', Meehan's, Smart's, Sweeney's, & Skinner's) & friends (old & new, online & in person, from elementary school, middle school, high school, college, Denny's, Papa Gino's Heartland Plaza, Papa Gino's Oakdale Plaza, Deluxe, Bath & Body Works, Loring Towers, and CCS) for all the do for me.  There is nothing that can replace the love & support of family (including significant others there) & friends.  I brood about how I don't get to go out & spend time with people that much, and yeah it stinks.  But, all in due time, I guess.  Lack of a legal license (see Day 16's item,) extra time w/the two jobs & hr commute, and not a whole lot of expendable income makes it tough.  That will never mean that I love any of you less.  You've been there for my good times & bad.  Hopefully more good are on the way.

7, 12, 14, 15, & 16 were just kinda random.  The window on Rich's dad's Mustang has been down & that's be a major inconvenience (w/the cold wind of November, rain & even a bit of snow) so that was a huge success when he was able to fix that.  I complain that I can buy this I want & that I want , and that I want, but I know that I do get the chance to buy some of the wants along side of the needs, just being in a materialistic society makes it hard to remember those wants I did get.  Alarm clocks was so silly, but true.  I don't know how that having a job thing would work out if they weren't invented & readily available.  I know occurrences sure shouldn't exist in that life.  And 16 was basically me just being grateful that my court case I had to take care of yesterday was cleared up with fairly minimal fines & no probation or jail time.  Kids don't drive when your license is suspended! ;-)  Oh, and 17, well see above.   :-D  No, seriously, I love getting to blog & express myself.  This is the 3rd blog I've had. I had a Xanga one, but it really turned out to be more of a diary.  I had a MySpace one, and that one became a little more like a public diary w/lots of venting.  And now this one.  Originally this was a 101 things to do in `1001 days, but w/money issues I'm thinking I'm going to find a new start date for the 1001 days and start anew.  So, for now its a mish mosh.

Love you all!  Have a happy happy Thanksgiving.

Day 1- having a warm, dry, multi-room home

Day 2- freedom & the constitution (especially the bill of rights)

Day 3- being employed. (Btw, these are in no particular order.)

Day 4- friends & family that love me.

Day 5- food on my plate (/table/pantry, etc...)

Day 6- an adorable boyfriend <3 We may have our troubles but who doesnt?

Day 7- that Rich fixed the window of the Mustang. Its up! <3

Day 8- the birth of social networking & iming

Day 9- Gato, my dad's 10 year old cat. <3 him! :-*

Day 10- My health.

Day 11- having access to clean water, safe food & healthcare

Day 12- being able to buy wants (sometimes) & not just needs.

Day 13- having unofficial therapists, tech support, etc...;-)

Day 14- paid time off (& two day work weeks!)

Day 15- alarm clocks (so I can attempt to not be late places)

Day 16- fair judges (court went as well as could be expected)

Rhyme & Reason

So, here's the deal.  I really don't understand.  I want to have faith in God.  I want there to be a fair & just & loving God.  I want the world to work in a way that people get what they deserve , both positively & negatively.  Call it karma, call it the golden rule, see Matthew 7 v12 "Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets." or even see Luke 6 v31 "And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise."  I just don't understand what the rhyme & reason of it all is. 

Rich’s mom (Linda)’s best friend, Lynne passed away this week.  She was 52 years old.  She was in now way a sick woman.  Then look at Linda who passed away in June 2008.  Minus her two year struggle with breast cancer, not a sickly person.  Then we have my parents who both passed away from heart attacks at 66 years old.   I just don’t understand how good people who took care of themselves (didn’t smoke [except Lynne], didn’t do drugs, barely to rarely drank) are taken so early.  I know these are not the first people in the world to pass away at a relatively young age.  I’m not naive.  I even realize that Jesus Christ himself died at only 33 (granted this was during Biblical ages, so its a different scale.)  I just out & out don’t understand.

It really makes me a combination of angry at God & it makes me feel like a bad luck charm. Just doesn't seem normal to have semi-major to major deaths around you so often. 

I used to do the church thing.  I used to pray EVERY morning & night.  I used to go to mass every since Saturday afternoon when I was a kid & Sunday morning when I was older.  Used to go to choir practice every single Friday night.  During Lent & Holy Week used to go to mass on Ash Wednesday, Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Easter Vigil & Easter morning.  I went to Vacation Bible School at various Protestant churches as a kid.  Went to various Protestant youth groups as a teen.  I assistant taught CCD for two years & taught my own class for two years.  I was in the church choir either singing or playing my flute from the age of 5 (adult church choir as there was no children’s choir) to 19.  I just lost the faith when I couldn’t see the reason.  Maybe I’ll be able to find the faith inside of me at some point, but whenever I get close something major like this happens again…

My New Creedo

So, I had one crazy weekend.  Between having to walk home 8 miles because I have a suspended license, being with family friends who lost their mom/wife, and losing over $350 dollars I’m more than a little shocked.
I just can’t believe how much time & effort I’ve been wasting as of lately.  I’m not going to get into it in specifics, specifics, but, quick blip in general direction of what I want to do.  I want to basically think of these things below before taking action--

· Will it make me or keep me healthy?
· Does it make my relationships stronger (Rich, family, friends?)
· Will I be proud of this action 5 mins, 5 hrs, 5 days, 5 wks, 5 months, 5 years later? Or will it be wasted time & energy OR embarrassing to look back on?
· Am I truly enjoying what I’m doing or is it just keeping me busy?
· Am I at least treading water if not moving forward financially?

Despondance & overall frustration vent

I know I have perfectionism issues. I want everything to just snap together & have the life I want not now, but yesterday. Its not that I'm afraid to work for it. I just don't know how to work smarter & not harder.
I want it all! I want to travel the world. I want to be financially comfortable (out of debt, able to pay bills & unexpected expenses without worrying, and able to spend money on enjoyable things for myself and whomever else I'd like to.) I want to feel like I'm giving back to society in a positive manner. I want to have our own home that I'm absolutely in love with. I want to have babies. I want to have a beautiful, memorable, unique (but not over the top) wedding & reception. I want to have fun & be there for friends, my family & my in-laws. I just don't feel like these things are too much to ask for, but it all just feels so out of reach. I don't know why life just won't cooperate.
I hope this doesn’t sound whiny or like I want a Stepford Wife type life.  I just want the life I’ve always wanted, and I just feel like it just isn’t happening for me & I’m just getting older & older.
I know this doesn't really fit into a 101 things to do in 1001 days blog, but I'm just irritated that I had such grand plans, but I've barely been able to do anything on the list & feel like I can't do much more w/financial constraints. Blech!

Live life to your fullest theory

This kind of goes with the general idea of my blog. Maybe I'm looking too far into this whole thing, but how does the whole "live in the moment", "live like you're dying thing" type of thing work? I mean if you're a typical citizen, that being not a celebrity or socialite that's extremely rich and doesn't have to work and doesn't have children, how does one accomplish that?

I try to be as positive as possible & plan towards the future. Sometimes my plans don't work out as life seems to get in the way. This gets incredibly frustrating as I'm sure most people can relate to. I mean I wish I could wake up in the morning, eat a delicious (but healthy) breakfast, go for a run/skate/bike in a beautiful (and friendly) neighborhood, go to my incredibly intellectually & morally fulfilling job, come home to my clean, well decorated, paid-for home, have a fabulous (and once again healthy) dinner & be able to spend my nights & weekends having fun. Not to mention having really good relationships with my signifigant other, family, in-laws, and friends. Is this a dream or is this an acheivable reality? I mean when I break it down that simply it seems like a reality, but why does it seem so hard to reach then?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm whiny & just won't work to make my life better or if I'm just destined to have the life I have...

Another part of this that I though of is life on vacation versus regular life. Do we all really have that different of lives when we're on vacation? I'm thinking not, but its so much happier then. Is it possibly to apply those differences to our day to day life?

One last note, life on paper versus what your life truly is. I have a bad habit of comparing my life how it truly is to other people's lives on paper (noteably- MySpace & Facebook.) Basically bringing myself down because I don't have my own family (married or have kids), or having bought a home of our own, or I don't have a true career, or because I haven't really traveled post-high school, or partying till the sun comes up. It makes me feel like a failure & that I haven't done anything at all. I know this isn't the case, but its so hard to seperate the facade from reality when all you see is the facade.

Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater

So... I haven't blogged in quite a while. Wish I could say it was because of being incredibly busy working on the list. You know? Havin fun & being productive. Not quite, unfortunately.

Like I said before, December 12th I lost my full-time permanent (not working as a temp) job in Groton. The fortunate part was I had a pre-existing part-time job at Bath & Body Works in Burlington. That held us over a little bit, especially as seeing it was Christmas-time & semi-annual sale time so I got a decent amount of hours. I feel like I really busted my butt looking for a new job, but combination of the economy, and in my opinion not completing my college degree I had a hard time finding a new full-time job. At one point I was registered with twelve plus staffing agencies. I did get a temp assignment for the Citizen's Energy project from January 20th to the 28th. Citizens Energy was kind of nice because I got the feeling to a certain degree that I was a part of something good. I then worked from February 3rd to April 30th as a temp at an apartment complex in Salem. The work at the apartment complex kept me busy & I felt like I was a useful addition to their team. I then spent a very long five weeks unemployed (minus BBW) until I got a phone call to start working doing customer service for National Grid gas. I like having a job & I know I should be grateful for that. I feel like I am more than adequate at doing my job, but I do feel like I could be challenged further. I think to break it down, I need to get my butt back to college!

Our housing situation has changed dramatically as well. To make it clear I'll break it down. I was born in Hollywood, Florida. My mom, dad & I spend only a month down there until they found a home in Brooksville, Florida. I was born & raised there. Lived in the same home until I was 24. I went to the same elementary school all six years, the same middle school all three, and the same high school all four. I even went to the local community college for a few semesters. My fiance, mom, cat & I then moved up to New England. We were living with his sister for a couple of weeks until he found a job in Massachusetts. We then lived with his grandmother for about a year and a half, until we finally got our act together and saved up for our own place. We rented a cute little house of our own for about another year and half. But, then had to move back to his grandmother's house. Then for a short period of time (from April 1st to late June) we were not living at his grandmother's house, and were looking for a new place to live. We are now living in Pepperell with his dad & a roommate. Its nice as its only the four of us. The only down side is it is a distance from my two jobs. We're still working on saving for our own place (just Rich, Gato & I,) but money has been tight.

I guess I'm looking for pity from the 101 in 1001 Gods to change the end date on my 1001 days. I really haven't had a chance to do much on the list & there by lost almost 6 months aka 180 days. Wdyt?